It wasn’t until I got into the industry that I realized how much sex work and being queer have in common. I’d heard the phrase “gay for a paycheck” before, but it seemed to me that most people Dating sex work were actually “straight for a paycheck” around me. Many of my friends who do sex work are bisexual or Dating pansexual, and I was happy to learn that many of us are not heterosexual.
When I do Dating sex work with my civilian friends, I find that they, too, have no idea that the majority of Dating sex workers are gay. I’ve realized over the years that this makes a lot of sense, so now I’m surprised by her surprise.
We are being queer means existing outside of societal norms. From our bodies to our relationships to our families, we don’t fit into the models we’ve been taught are normal. That’s why I think we’re attracted to people who are also marginalized. I firmly believe that marginalized experiences, whatever they may be, can foster a particular affinity, solidarity, and empathy with other marginalized people.
I’d heard the phrase “gay for money,” but in my surroundings, most of the people doing sex work as dating partners seemed to be “straight for money.”
My friends and clients know that I’m sexual. I was already out when I got into this industry. Some people, like me, enter this industry already identifying as queer, but others become aware of their queerness through dating sex work. Our professions often involve sexual interactions with people of the same sex, and some of us work exclusively with clients of the same sex.
I often wonder about this connection. It’s almost a chicken-and-egg situation. Does dating sex work prove my queerness, or did my queerness lead me to dating sex work? Is there no direct causal relationship at all? There’s no clear answer, but it’s clear that both have greatly influenced and shaped each other. I have found that when I come out as gay in my ads, clients of all genders feel safe and can explore their potential gayness through imagination and curiosity. It also allows them to ask fundamental questions, broadening their understanding of queerness and making them better allies. I recognize that coming out at work is a privilege, and I want to use that privilege to have conversations with curious clients and share my experiences.
For me, being queer has more to do with how I engage with people and the world in general than with who I have Dating sex with during Dating. It shapes my political views, how I treat my body, and how I perceive others. My clients often value my body hair and are curious about my decision to stop removing it. While body hair does not define someone’s queerness, my decision is intimately connected to my queerness and the evolution of how I view my body. When clients tell me they are not used to seeing women with body hair, I often respond that I am, thanks to my many queer friends and acquaintances. It also means that I know everybody I interact with, Whether sexual or not, as beautiful and in need of care. My body is far from average, and it has been a long journey to get to a place where I can love it and treat it with kindness. And I’m still on that journey. Both my queerness and Dating sex work are central to this journey.
I am openly gay in my ads so that clients of all genders feel safe exploring their gayness.
In queer spaces, Dating sex workers can still be excluded or marginalized, even though many of us have done Dating sex work at one time or another. Similar situations exist in the kink and BDSM communities, overlapping and intersecting with the queer community. There is often a gap between us and civilians who try to distance themselves from us because of what is considered good Dating sex and what we do (and get paid for).
I argue that queer dating sex workers are not only central to the queer, kink, and BDSM communities but that we should be at the forefront of them. Many aspects of these cultures, from slang to aesthetics, have their origins in Dating sex workers, especially black Dating transsexuals, culture, and have paved the way for our communities to come together and celebrate openly as we do. We also need to remember that the fight is not over.
I love that there is so much overlap between sex work and queerness, but what I love even more is that in any queer, kinky, or BDSM environment, I’m in, there is always someone who asks, “Yeah, but what about sex workers?”
